The relationship between life partners is a needful one for standing in your power. A lot of testing and boundary creation is done in this setting because it is often the people you are closest to that push you to do your best growing.
When you were young your parents made the rules and set the boundaries that you had to live by within their home.
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"Best Healthy Foods For Women"These boundaries have a huge follow on your beliefs around what you can and can't do as an adult in regards to food, touch, privacy, language, arguments, gender roles, emotional expression, sleep schedules, parenting... Pretty much everything. You can turn these beliefs, but first you have to be aware of them.
Unfortunately many people were raised in homes where the boundaries were too rigid and restrictive, barely existent, unpredictable or totally unhealthy. As a follow they grow up confused about how to examine things that don't feel right, how to put their foot down about those things they cannot tolerate, or even what's within their right to insist on and not be seen as selfish.
When it comes to relationships one of the many gifts you can give to each other is to know your boundaries and to share your expectations around them clearly and positively. It sounds like such a straightforward task, but depending on your communication skills there are many reasons it can backfire.
The first batch of problems arises with some main inequity between the feminine love of relationship and the masculine need for secrecy.
The feminine love of sharing thoughts and feelings, coupled with a coarse history of not being heard, often results in a desire to think aloud. Mental aloud tends to be circular in nature which can be extremely frustrating and confusing for a listener who no ifs ands or buts just wants the bottom line.
As a follow when the woman tries to candidly share her expectations she will often put out an idea, rethink it aloud, contradict the idea, share some more and muddy the water wholly before ever getting to her final thoughts on the issue.
"It bothers me when you call right before I'm expecting you for supper, to say you'll be late. I realize you don't always know when you're going to be late, especially when it's traffic that causes the problem, but I wish you could let me know ahead of time. Maybe when it's traffic you could call on your cell, but that doesn't no ifs ands or buts matter, because by then I've already started the meal and no ifs ands or buts can't do much about it. I guess I could wait and make the meal when you get home, but then I'm hungry and if you call that you're going to be late and it's not the traffic - there's no reckon I should have had to wait... "
This kind of conversation can work in a strong, salutary relationship, as the feminine loves to think aloud and if the man is article to just let her go until she's ready to furnish the summary, all things will be clear in the end.
When a relationship is already stressed however, this 'thinking' comes out with an emotional undercurrent that creates defensiveness while it confuses. The follow will often be an argument, hurt feelings, and increased blurring rather than clarity.
At the same time, the masculine likes to keep their plans close to their chest (they are not always aware that they do this) and share it on a need to know basis. Men need to feel safe to share (which seems contradictory to their 'tough' exterior) and will only open up if they believe it won't backfire on them in any way.
Add to this the societal message that talking about feelings is 'fluffy talk' and most men will want to hightail it out of the room as soon as their partner says the dreaded words: Can we talk?
As a result, seeing out a man's expectations can be much like picking a tiny piece of eggshell out of your omelet when it's still slipping and sliding around in the pan. It's difficult to see, hard to grab onto and if you're not true you have a good occasion of getting burned in the process.
As if that's not enough, another challenge with this type of consulation for both genders is that many people have been raised to think that if they don't like what someone else is doing in a relationship, they should tell them so they can turn their behaviour.
This feels like rejection, is unrealistic and totally ignores the reality - which is that people will not turn something about themselves until they are ready to do so!
Telling your partner - this is what I don't like about you and what I expect you to turn so we can get along - is rarely well received or accepted.
As a follow of the above, many conversations meant to clear the air in a relationship and share expectations will follow in defensiveness, arguments, undermining of each other and, in many cases, a break-up. What started out as a desire to clearly share in an effort to build a strong, open relationship, has turned into irreconcilable differences that can't be overcome.
So what can you do? Watch for my next article on Relationships, How To Share Expectations in Relationships Without Creating Irreconcilable Differences to find out.
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